October 29, 2013
Written by , Posted in Hoilday, Recipes, Soup

Tricked-Out Halloween Pumpkin Bisque

Featuring Garlicky White Asparaghosts, Spirit-Repellent Sage, and Maple Candied Corn (The Ultimate Treat)

Featuring Garlicky White Asparaghosts, Spirit-Repellent Sage, and Maple Candied Corn (The Ultimate Treat)



Pumpkins are the obvious pick for intertwining Halloween with cooking, but if there were ever a vegetable with ties to the supernatural, it would have to be the wan  and only, white asparagus.

You’re familiar with its kale-colored cousin, which gets its zombie-like complexion from mercilessly devouring other verdant veggies and then basking in the sun.  (Okay, okay: just the latter.)

White asparagus, on the other hand, derives its alabaster epidermis from etiolation, or the deprivation of light.  These (clearly evil) aspara-guys live beneath mounds of dirt, avoiding UV exposure and inhibiting chlorophyll production that typically turns them green.

In other words, they’re vampire  veggies.

But fear not, fellow food-lovers: there’s always a way to fight foul metaphysical forces (even edible ones), and much like bloodsuckers, white asparagus has an inherent weakness for garlic.  A quick sauté in olive oil with chopped garlic morphs its supple stalks into appetizing, otherworldly entities that are much easier to manage:  white asparaghosts.

Boo asparaghost

Use your utmost patience and dexterity to adorn each asparaghost with “eyes” and a “mouth” using large grains of coarsely ground black pepper (or just let the kids handle this fun detail while you pilot the stovetop).

With their tender crunch and delicate flavor, white asparaghosts are the ghoulest  guests to crash the traditional Halloween pumpkin soup party.

Asparaghosts 2

Luckily for everyone, fresh sage is an integral part of this recipe, too, so you won’t have to worry about any asparaghosts possessing you after you eat them.

Known for having spook-repellent powers, velvety sage has been used for centuries by healers and paranormal experts to “purify” spirit-infested abodes, so your bisque will be safe as long as you add this potent herb.

The final holiday tie-in makes up for the fact that most of us are too old to trick-or-treat, so we’ll celebrate the sweeter side of Halloween with decadent maple candied corn.

Don’t worry: I don’t mean the colorful, stalactite-shaped candy that rots your molars; I’m talking about real corn  sauteed in butter and kissed with pure maple syrup and brown sugar.  These nectarous niblets add a burst of milky sweetness to the mix, completing this three-part Halloween harmony with one last delectable note.

Serve this as first course for the Ultimate Halloween Dinner Party, and be extra-awesome by serving it in nifty pumpkin bowls. To do this, carefully cut off the tops of your pumpkins and remove all the seeds (I recommend using an ice cream scooper); then, lightly drizzle both sides with a blend of oil, salt, pepper, cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg, and bake for 25-30 minutes at 350 degrees, until it’s fork tender.

Let them cool, then ladle in the soup and garnish with fresh sage leaves, candied corn, and white asparaghosts.

BIG bisque

Tricked-Out Halloween Pumpkin Bisque

Featuring Garlicky White Asparaghosts, Spirit-Repellent Sage, and Maple Candied Corn




1 small sugar pumpkin, about 2.5 lbs, halved, cleaned and seeded

3 TBSP melted butter or olive oil (or a combination or both)

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp ground allspice

1/8 tsp ground nutmeg

2 TBSP pure maple syrup (for roasting pumpkin)

salt and fresh cracked black pepper, to taste

2 cups chicken or veal stock

1.5 cups heavy cream, reduced to 3/4 cup

1 TBSP (packed) fresh chopped sage

1/4 cup pure maple syrup (to add to the soup)

Candied Corn

3 ears of corn, husked, cleaned, and kernels removed

1 TBSP butter or olive oil

1 shallot, minced

2 tsp brown sugar

3 TBSP pure maple syrup

salt and fresh cracked black pepper, to taste

White Asparaghosts

One bunch of white asparagus, tips trimmed off in 1.5- to 2-inch pieces

2-3 cloves of garlic, smashed and chopped

1 TBSP butter or olive oil

salt and fresh cracked black pepper, to taste

2 TBSP orange juice

Pumpkin Bowls

1 sugar pumpkin, top carefully removed

1 TBSP olive oil or melted butter

salt and fresh cracked black pepper, to taste

a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice



Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.

Cut your pumpkin in half and remove the seeds. In a small bowl, mix together the melted butter/oil, spices, and maple syrup, and then coat the pumpkin halves in it thoroughly. Place on a baking sheet and roast until fork tender, about an hour.

While the pumpkin is roasting, make the candied corn. Remove the kernels neatly by taking a large bowl and fitting a smaller bowl upside-down inside of it. Hold each ear of corn upright atop the upside-down bowl, and when you slice downward, the kernels will all stay in the larger bowl. Reserve kernels aside for later.

Melt butter (or heat oil) in a saute pan over medium heat, and then add the minced shallots and cook for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add the corn and saute until tender, about 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Break up the brown sugar in the maple syrup, then drizzle it over the corn and stir it in. Season with salt and pepper. Continue cooking for 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently, then remove from heat and reserve for later.

While the pumpkin is still  cooking, get the asparaghosts ready. Slice the asparagus tips off the stalks and reserve. Peel and chop the garlic, then heat the oil over medium heat in a saute pan. Add the asparagus and saute for 1-2 minutes, stirring frequently. Add in the garlic, season with salt and pepper, and continue cooking another minute or two. Add in the orange juice and let it reduce au sec, or until a thick, syrupy sauce forms.

Once cooked, allow the asparagus to cool down until it’s easy to handle. Meanwhile, crack some morsels of coarse black pepper into a small bowl (these will be the eyes and mouths of your asparaghosts). Then, use your index finger to dot each asparaghost with eyes and a mouth.

Once the pumpkin is cooked tender, allow it to cool until you can safely remove the flesh from the skin. Discard the skin, then add 1 TBSP butter/oil to a pot over medium heat. Add in the cooked pumpkin, and begin to smash it down with a masher, whisk or fork as you heat it for about 3 minutes. Add in the chicken or veal stock slowly, stirring/mashing it into the pumpkin carefully so as not to splash everywhere. Continue adding stock until you achieve a thick, bisque-like consistency.

In a separate pan, bring the heavy cream to a boil and reduce it, whisking constantly to avoid it bubbling over. Then, slowly whisk the cream into the soup. Oh, the delicious swirls! Bring to a boil and then immediately turn the heat down to a low simmer.

Season with salt, pepper, fresh sage and more maple syrup, stir, cover, and continue simmering for 10 minutes.

Let the soup cool down, and puree it with an immersion blender (or in small batches a food processor or blender).

Ladle the soup into your pumpkin bowls, garnish with fresh sage, candied corn and white asparaghosts, and serve to your guests.

This spooky soup will surely scare away any Halloween hunger.

happy halloween soup

October 15, 2013
Written by , Posted in Healthy, Recipes

Six Reasons to Smack the $#!t Out of People Who Buy Kale Chips


(Instead of Making Them From Scratch)


Because this particular ilk of humanity clearly has no concept of money, time, and the unparalleled elation from a DIY success, it’s time to lay the smack down.



Kale may have peaked in terms of popularity, but it will always  be at the pinnacle of nutrition when it comes to, well, anything.


Even spinach  seems unsubstantial next to it, and the amount of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and phytochemicals per serving make kale one of the most nutrient-dense foods in existence.

(That means kale is healthy as phuck.)



Kale has an ANDI* score of 1000.

To give you an idea of what that means in the world of fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, having an ANDI score of 1000 is like being the coolest kid in school, having a shitload of money, and  having superpowers.

*ANDI stands for Aggregate Nutrient-Density Index



suuuuper cat


It’s excellent that more people are aware of this healthful, leafy powerhouse…

Green kale & red kale ~ Adeline Ramos

…but it’s also tragic that so many people insist on purchasing kale in the most asinine way imaginable:


By buying a package of pre-made kale chips.



Now, there’s nothing wrong with kale chips per se


…but there are plenty of reasons why buying them ready-to-eat will get your mug smiggidy-smacked  if I ever catch you doing it.
Bitch_slap / Via Comedy Central

Here’s why:


1. Kale chips are a HUGE RIP-OFF.


A bunch of fresh kale will cost you, at most, $4 (and that’s on the worst day of the week for your wallet in New York City). Organic, local red and lacinato kale were just on sale for $2.49, and non-organic green, red and lacinato kale were selling for $1.99 in Chelsea.

A box/bag of kale chips will cost you about triple that in your best-case scenario.  The pineapple-coconut-banana-flavored ones shown below cost a budget-busting $8.99.

Are you kidding me?



2. Buying kale chips is EVEN MORE SMACK-WORTHY when you consider the WEIGHT (or lack thereof) you’re throwing down for.


The average package of kale chips contains under three ounces of product. My $8.99 scored me 2.5 ounces of soggy, limp kale chips that started to taste like vomit after five chews.  A chunk of that weight came in the form of the nasty-tasting fruit bits coating the kale chips.

Come on.

come-on-gob-arrested-development / Via Netflix

With one bundle of fresh kale, you can produce the equivalent of THREE boxes of kale chips.  Sometimes more.

::opens iPhone calculator::


Doing the math, you’ll see that people pay about ONE-THIRD of the price (and often less) for a fresh bundle of kale (and you can choose from a kale-eidoscope of colors and styles: green, red, black, lacinato…) to make at least THREE TIMES AS MANY kale chips as you’d get in a box.


*NOT for added flavor, nor is it a “special prize” like you’d find in your Trix.
Adeline Ramos

That means you’re paying at least an 800% premium for the perceived convenience of having someone else make shitty kale chips for you.



It’s a hefty premium to pay for something YOU COULD EASILY DO YOURSELF IN UNDER AN HOUR (and with hardly any hands-on time, at that).

But then there’s also this:

3. Store-bought kale chips are not “chippy.”

On the $8.99 package of store-bought kale chips (which I clearly have yet to get over), it says the chips are: “…dehydrated below 115 degrees, not baked or fried, retaining healthy enzymes and nutrients which aid digestion.”

Let me clear this issue up for the world right now:



There’s nothing wrong with baking kale.

In fact: YOU SHOULD  BAKE IT to make the best possible kale chips!

All this noise about “dehydration” being sooooooo  cool is a pile of otter poop.

tumblr_mqsexd7xaz1qfbey0o1_400 / Via

For starters, whatever “dehydration” process they use doesn’t deliver the desired crunch  that chip-eaters crave, rendering the whole idea of a healthier “chip” useless.

Then, to make the user experience even more nausea-inducing, they toss packets of silica gel, a moisture absorbent chemical, into every single package, destroying any chance of a “freshness” vibe being associated with these fale-ures.




Adeline Ramos

What should also irk you is the subtle implication that baking will somehow screw up the enzyme action in your homemade kale chips.

Because that’s just misleading. And we don’t like when companies mislead consumers in these here parts.

cat swag


A quick bit of research showed that there’s a difference between the effects of wet-heat and dry-heat on enzymes, and when it comes to baking (a dry-heat cooking method), you can go up to “about 150 degrees” without denaturing (or deactivating) enzymes.



Which brings us to:

4. It takes virtually NO TIME, THOUGHT OR ENERGY to make kale chips.

You heard it here first.

If you made a bet with me that the world’s stupidest human couldn’t produce an entirely edible — and  delicious — batch of kale chips, guess what?



nonidiocy / via Pixar

Kale chips are sofuckingeasy  to make that it makes my eyeballs drip verdant, vitamin-K-filled tears when I see buttfaces buying them at the supermarket.



Seriously, people — QUIT PERPLEXING ME AND


How to Make Kick-ass Kale Chips from Scratch

(Crispy and crunchy without the help of a silica gel packet, these kale chips will be devoured in no time.)


Things you’ll need:

A pre-heated oven
One large mixing bowl
Fresh kale
A lettuce spinner (the easiest way to dry your rinsed kale)
(We’ll talk specifics soon)


How to kale it in the kitchen:



Pre-heat your oven to 150 degrees.


Rip off the leaves from the stems and place them in a large mixing bowl.

(If you’re pissed off about your bitchy boss or sloppy significant other, it’s best to imagine him or her as the leaves you’re mercilessly tearing apart.  It’s what I enjoy calling “veggie voodoo.”)


Adeline Ramos

Discard the stems, or use them to poke someone.


Clean and dry your kale, then put it in a large mixing bowl. This shit is on.


Adeline Ramos

Toss the leaves in some tasty oil, but don’t go crazy (around 2 tsp per 1/2 bunch); you need A LOT LESS than it may seem.Feel free to use whatever oil you’ve got — I like to use extra virgin olive oil, and I make sure to really get in there and lube up those leaves.

i got this

Season the kale with salt and whatever else you like.  THE KALE’S IN YOUR  COURT, BEOTCHES.  Then, toss that shizz around again so it’s evenly coated in goodness.


Arrange the kale in a single layer on two baking sheets (since you’ll have crazy amounts of leaves, you may need multiple rounds of baking), and cook it until crispy-crunchy (about 25-30 minutes).


(And you didn’t break a sweat, a nail, or any glass…I hope.)


Adeline Ramos

5. If it’s not obvious by now — it’s REALLY HARD TO MESS UP making kale chips.


The thing about kale chips is that there’s really no “wrong way” to make them, but some ways are better than others depending on what your priorities and amount of focus are.In my kitchen, I like to cook kale chips “low and slow,” which means baking them for about 25-35 minutes at 150 degrees.


Other “kale konnoisseurs” have suggested using much higher temperatures (I’ve seen 350 degrees, and, in some recipes, as high as 425 degrees — whoa!) for a shorter cook time, since this method will also get you a crispy, crunchy result, and in less time (something we all can see as a benefit).  So why would anyone not do it this way?

(you know, other than because of that whole rap about enzymes)


It’s simple:

Cooking kale chips at higher temperatures results in ugly aesthetics, with the bright green color being obliterated by the harshness of excessive heat.



Worse yet, higher temperatures also destroy vital nutrients (we’re talking WAY  beyond enzymes), and let’s face it:

If you didn’t care about those, you’d be eating fucking potato chips.


Soggy, limp and pukey -OR- Crunchy, sweet and savory?
Adeline Ramos

 In the end, it’s your kale.

world is yours



Aaaaand lastly:

6. People who buy kale chips HAVE NO SOUL (or, at least, no culinary creativity whatsoever).

skyler shut up / Via AMC

What? You don’t believe me? Or you think  I’m being too judgmental?

Then consider this:

There are ENDLESS FLAVOR POSSIBILITIES you can use to doctor up homemade kale chips, and yet people who buy kale chips allow random companies dictate the tastes that tickle their tongues.



Sure, if you like  the flavors the corporations  develop (Indian-style ranch or vegan cheese,  anyone? ::barf::), then go ahead:

Throw your hard-earned green away on greens you can outdo in your most zombified state.



If you’re not into nacho cheese, you agree that piña kale-ada tastes like pineapple puke, and spicy miso makes you madder than Skyler White made most Breaking Bad viewers, don’t fret:

You can calmly concoct your own kale chip seasoning blends faster than it’ll take you to hit the store and throw down an 8-stack of G-Washies (our new slang for dolla billz) for a plastic container of something you might #hate.


Adeline Ramos

Take a peek through your dry herb and spice cabinet and gather up your favorites:



– Cumin, coriander, chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder and oregano for “Southwestern” or “Mexican”

– Basil, tomato powder, garlic powder, and black pepper for “Tuscan”

– Szechuan peppercorns, ginger, soy sauce powder, garlic powder and onion powder for “Chinese”

Then, evenly sprinkle your oiled up kale with them before baking it.


You can also use ingredients like:

– Parmesan, cheddar, gruyere, or any other firm or hard cheese

– Citrus zest– A splash of soy sauce, fish sauce or sweet chili sauce

– Fruit juice and nectar

– Honey, agave nectar, or maple syrup (which work best when mixed in with the oil before you coat the kale with spices)

Don’t limit your imagination in this area — this is where the magic happens!

magic With one bunch of kale, olive oil, a splash of orange juice, salt, black pepper and a  drizzle of honey, I created crispy, crunchy kale chips that dominated the store-  bought ones in taste, texture and color. And, they got devoured in under an hour.

The best part?

It only cost me $1.99 for the kale, maybe another 25 cents worth of  seasonings, and only 45 minutes of minimal work and waiting for it to  bake to make something that’s infinite times better than anything  similar at the store.


Adeline Ramos


The next time you catch people in the healthy snack section of your supermarket putting plastic containers of kale chips into their carts, you know what to do:

no immitators


Unleash the fury of a thousand noggin claps…



…and then school their keisters on how to save a load of loot and quash their crunchy kale craving like the cool kids do.



Originally written for BuzzFeed.
September 27, 2013
Written by , Posted in Chili, Pop Culture, Recipes

One Last “Cook” For the “Breaking Bad” Series Finale

I am the DANGER

An original New Mexico-inspired chili recipe that’s as fiery, edgy and intense as TV’s greatest series.  If the ending doesn’t sit well with you, at least this delectable Southwestern stew will.




The Super Bowl ain’t got nothin’ on what’s about to rock your boob-tube this Sunday night, with TV’s most enthralling active series, Breaking Bad, finally arriving at its throttling conclusion.

While you’re busy wondering if Walt will get to bitch-slap the shit out of Skyler, Marie and Flynn before he croaks from either lung cancer or going out in a Scarface-style blaze of bullets, I’ve been pondering something much more important:

What am I going to cook to devour during the finale?

skyler smack / AMC

Breaking Bad’s setting always conjures up images of dancing chiles, beans and corn (well, at least to my cheffy ass), the trifecta that defines New Mexican cuisine, so it was clear that those staples would need to play an integral role in whatever I prepared.  Also, because the episode is packed tightly into just over an hour of TV, I realized that I couldn’t do a full-on feast — I had to pack as much flavor as possible into one extraordinary dish that would perfectly complement the edginess and intensity this final episode is sure to bring.

So I put on my thinking-cap and came up with a ridiculous recipe that’s sure to leave die-hard fans fulfilled (and  full-filled) during the finale. (And, hey, if things don’t go as you hoped for, at least you’ll likely have some leftovers to cheer you up afterward!)

In the spirit of Walt and Jesse always having to do “one last cook” for whichever drug overlord they’re currently indentured to — and in order to make your finale-viewing experience the absolute awesomest it can be — I’ve used my cooking-chemist skillz to concoct the following recipe that’s the equivalent of Walt’s best — the blue meth of the culinary world.


Let’s just say you guys are gonna be hooked, bitch.

jesse cook

AMC / Funny or Die

Without further ado, I bring you:

New Mexico-Style “Walter” White Chili


(Starring “Walter” White Beans, “Jesse” Pink(man) Beans, Los Pollos Hermanos and Crystal “Meth” Hot Sauce)

AMC / Adeline Ramos

Serves 6-8; Prep Time: 1 hour; Total Cook Time: 3 to 4 hours, mostly hands-off

Recipe Summary:

Most traditional chili (the stews as opposed to the peppers; chili = stew and chile = pepper) is “red” due to the addition of tomatoes; “white chili,” on the other hand, omits tomatoes, giving it more of a golden, greenish hue, but since Americans have a longstanding history of being dumb when it comes to dubbing things a certain color, people simply call it “white.”  We’ll call ours Walter  White.


AMC / Adeline Ramos

The combination of white cannellini beans and pink beans (or “Walt” and “Jesse” beans, respectively, if you prefer) with roasted green chiles, tomatillos and corn, ground chicken and chicken stock (Los Pollos Hermanos!) will have you hooked on this chili faster than if you took a massive hit of Walt’s 99.1%-pure Blue Sky.

Pop in some pollo  for protein, and you’ll be flyin’ even higher.

jesse high


Speaking of blue “rocks,” don’t forget to scoop up your Walter White Chili with some blue rocks of your own, a.k.a. blue corn tortilla chips.

And, make sure to pick up a large Hank  of sharp cheddar cheese to Schrade  over each bowl of chili before you serve it (or, just pick up a bag of pre-Schraded cheese to skip a step and make things easier).


AMC / Adeline Ramos

But, wait: what if you’re a vegetarian?

saul goodman

AMC / Uproxx

S’aul good, man:


You can totally sub out los pollos hermanos for three cans of chickpeas and use vegetable broth/stock instead of chicken broth/stock. BOOM.


And now, here are the ingredients, “lab” equipment and “formula” you’ll need to cook the purest batch of New Mexico’s finest:



2 Anaheim chiles, roasted, seeded, ribs removed, and chopped
2 jalapenos, roasted, seeded, ribs removed, and chopped
2 serrano chiles, roasted, seeded, ribs removed, and chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, roasted, seeded, ribs removed, and chopped
2-3 ears of sweet corn, husked and cleaned, dry roasted in a 500-degree oven for 30-40 minutes, and kernels sliced off the cobs
3-4 tomatillos, husks removed, lightly oiled and roasted in a 500-degree oven for 25-30 minutes, then roughly chopped
1 TBSP canola oil
1 large onion, diced
2 large ribs of celery, diced
4 cloves of garlic, peeled and chopped
salt and black pepper, to taste
2 pounds of ground chicken
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
2 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp dry oregano
2 bay leaves
1 TBSP granulated sugar
1 dash of Crystal “meth” sauce (a.k.a. Crystal Louisiana hot sauce)
4 14.5-ounce cans of chicken stock or broth (or a roughly equivalent amount from cartons)
Optional — A hearty splash of Albuquerque’s finest, Marble Brewery beer (I’ll let you choose which variety)
1-2 TBSP honey (depending on how much sweet you like with your heat)
1-2 dry New Mexico chiles (available in the Hispanic section of most grocery stores)
2 cans of cannellini beans (a.k.a. Walter White beans), drained and rinsed
2 cans of pink beans (a.k.a. Jesse Pinkman beans), drained and rinsed
Garnishes: (optional)
1 hank of sharp cheddar cheese, schraded (or use pre-schraded cheese to cut corners without affecting purity levels)
Crystal “meth” hot sauce (use at your own discretion)
Blue rocks (blue corn tortilla chips)
Fresh chopped cilantro (in case your people prefer greens over the blue stuff)
Sour cream (you know, if your people are also into the white stuff)
Fresh lime juice
Chopped scallions
Diced avocado


A large pot
A large wooden spoon or spatula
A cheese schrader
A sharp knife and cutting board
A large mixing bowl and plastic wrap (optional, for roasting peppers)
Metal tongs (if roasting peppers over a open flame)



1. The first step is to roast your peppers, corn and tomatillos, and there are two methods to choose from for the peppers.


But first, a word of caution: use gloves when handling chiles, as you don’t want to accidentally rub chile-exposed hands on your sensitive parts, as it will cause an irritating burning sensation that will linger.

I am the DANGER

If you have a gas stove, simply char each pepper directly over an open flame carefully using metal tongs or a fork until the skins are charred and lifted.  (If they resemble Gustavo Fring’s face post-explosion, you’re doing great!)

gas explosion

AMC / Uproxx

Place the charred peppers in a bowl and tightly cover with plastic wrap for 10 minutes, then carefully peel/rub off the skins when they’re cool to the touch and discard (lightly using the edge of a spoon works well for this).  Take your peeled, roasted peppers and open them up so you can remove the seeds and inner ribs, and discard those, too (again, the spoon edge helps here).

Alternately, if you don’t own a gas stove, you can roast your peppers on a baking sheet in a 500-degree oven (which is exactly what you’ll do with your corn and tomatillos) for about 25-30 minutes, or until the skins are blackened and bubbling up in certain areas.  Then, follow the steps starting where you put the charred chiles in a plastic-wrapped bowl, and then peel, seed and rib them.

2. Chop the chiles up along with the other ingredients that need choppin’.

Then, get your large pot, add in the canola oil, and begin heating it over a medium flame for about a minute.  Add the onions and celery, saute for 2-3 minutes, then add the chopped garlic and continue cooking another minute, stirring frequently.  Add in the chopped, roasted chiles and tomatillos and cook another 1-2 minutes, then season everything lightly with salt and pepper.

3. Add in the ground chicken and brown the shit out of it until it’s fully cooked…

…breaking it up into small chunks with your wooden spoon/spatula and mixing in the sauteed vegetables so they infuse their flavor up into it.  As the chicken is cooking, add in the spices and herbs (cumin, coriander, garlic powder, chili powder, oregano, bay leaves and sugar), more salt and pepper, and a dash of Crystal “meth” sauce; mix well.


AMC / Adeline Ramos

4. Add in the chicken stock/broth, the New Mexican beer (if you’re using it) and the dried New Mexico chiles, then bring to a boil.

Once boiling, add in the honey and reduce the heat to low, cover tightly with a lid, and continue to simmer for as long as you can without losing your mind.  (The chemistry of chili dictates that it always tastes better the longer you let it simmer.) I advise you to let it simmer for at least an hour, if not two or three.  That’s why it’s best to make this on Saturday afternoon, a full day before the finale.  Plus, chili always tastes better the day after you cook it because, by then, all the flavors have melded together in beautiful harmony.

3 million for your time

AMC / Uproxx

5. Once you’ve had enough of letting your chili simmer, take your drained and rinsed Walter and Jesse beans and roasted corn kernels and add them to the pot.

Continue cooking another 20-30 minutes.

Beans, Bitch

AMC / Adeline Ramos

6. If you’re making this a day ahead, do yourself a favor and serve yourself one victory bowl as soon as it’s ready.

That way, you can taste your wares and adjust the salt, sugar, heat and spice levels accordingly to your taste. Feel free to add in more salt, sugar, honey, herbs and spices to meet your palate’s desires, and garnish your victory bowl how you see fit.

7. Store your chili overnight in the same pot you cooked it in for easy reheating on the stovetop before the finale.

Make sure you start heating your chili up at least an hour before the finale begins and that you get all your garnishes in tow so that you’re not lagging behind the rest of the Breaking Bad viewership (although, if you DVR it and delay watching it for 15 minutes, you can fast-forward through all the crappy commercials =])

better call saul

8. Serve the chili to your fellow fans right before the finale begins.

Don’t forget your schraded hank of cheese, blue “rock” chips, Crystal “meth” hot sauce, and other fun garnishes.

Also, do your best to remove the New Mexico chiles and the bay leaves — those babies are almost as bad as ricin when you bite into ’em.

rice n beans

AMC / Uproxx

Now that you have this raging recipe tucked snugly underneath your yellow hazmat lab suit, you’re all set up for the Breaking Bad finale. No matter how the story ends, you’ll have an awesome meal to get you through it.


AMC / Uproxx
Shout-out to Badger!

Add your own recipe ideas for the Breaking Bad finale in the comments!


Originally published on September 27, 2013 on, days before the finale.